Week 696: Send Us the Bill


The Fallin-Space Act, which requires the law of gravity to be enforced
universe-wide.

Below right are the last names of the new members of Congress who took
their seats last week. As we ask at the beginning of each term, come up
with legislation these freshman senators and representatives might
sponsor together, as in the painfully obvious example illustrated above,
chosen so we wouldn't get 200 entries with the same joke. (Now we'll just
get 50 or so.) Each bill must have at least two sponsors. Among similar
ideas, the ink will go to the best explanation of the bill.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets some Heinz Microwaveable Spotted Dick, a canned pudding
that people buy in Britain, where they also eat boiled sheep. It was
donated by Post movie critic Desson Thomson, who grew up in England and
also likes cricket, which may or may not taste just as good.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 16. Put "Week 696" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Feb. 4. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
This week's Honorable Mentions name was submitted by both Dave Prevar of
Annapolis and Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. The revised title for next
week's contest is by Kevin Dopart.

Report From Week 692, in which, on the third anniversary of the Empress's imperium, we invited
readers to enter any of the previous year's Invitational contests, with
one restriction: Every entry had to contain "three," "third" or some
variant thereof.

We feel a little bit bad for the several people who sent
in long lists of entries but hadn't read the rules. Nah, we don't either.
Not surprisingly, this contest drew a high proportion of serial Losers;
as we figured, a few of them actually went back, two weeks before
Christmas, and delved into each of the past 50 contests.

4. Week 642, neologisms beginning with O, P, Q, R or S:
Proctogynomammogram: A woman's three least favorite tests rolled into one
convenient, if unpleasant, visit. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

3. Week 641, a name for a combination of businesses: A bank, a ticket
service, a tire center and a urologist: One for the Money, Two for the
Show, Three to Get Tready and Four to Go (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

2. the winner of the clear plastic promotional coffin: Week 661, retitle
an actual movie: "Triumph of the Will": Third Reich's the Charm" (Howard
Walderman, Columbia)

And the Winner Of the Inker

Week 683, string together words from one or two scenes from "Hamlet":

Act 5, Scenes 1 and 2: What base may I have, I wonder? I round first,
second. A touch, a touch, I do take third! I pray you, part them. Nay?
Why, my dear? O villainy! Ho! The door be lock'd! (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)

Nice Tri, but . . .

Week 640, state mottoes:

Mississippi : See the Third World Without a Passport (Chris Doyle, Kihei,
Hawaii)

Week 648, stupid consumer hotline questions:

To Doublemint Gum: I'd like to triple my pleasure -- do I chew a piece
and a half? Or should I chew two pieces and pull them out early? (Peter
Metrinko, Chantilly)

To 3M: "My son's art project looks funny, and I was wondering just how
much Scotch you put in your tape, anyway?" (Jeff Brechlin)

To Mars Inc.: What's with all these 3s, E's and W's on my M&M's? (Jay
Shuck, Minneapolis)

Week 651, add a character to a book or movie:

"Richard III": Mr. Ed joins the cast and becomes King of England. (Kevin
Dopart)

The Bible: Add the Wife of the Third Wise Man: Baby Jesus receives gifts
of gold, frankincense and some adorable onesies. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Week 654, creative recycling:

The same old Third World countries can be invaded over and over again. It
really saves on rebuilding efforts. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 656, breed two racehorses and name the foal:

Starbucks Day x One Lucky Buck = Need 3 More Bucks (Kevin Dopart)

Week 665, coin a word ending in -ion:

Safetyation : The effort to outlaw all risk from society, e.g., a
three-day waiting period to purchase a glue gun. (Mel Loftus, Holmen,
Wis.)

Imménagenation: Thinking creatively about (1) how to invite that hottie
across the street into a threesome; (2) how to innocuously broach the
topic with your wife; and (3) how you'll survive when (1) and (2) don't
go as planned. (Brendan Beary)

Week 668, colorful wrap-up lines for "World's Wildest Police Videos":

This mathematician had his hands all over his date -- but he's not
getting to Base Three tonight! (Jay Shuck)

As the K-9 units closed in, this criminal ended his three-dog night
wishing his mama told him not to come. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville)

Week 672, electronic highway signs:

TIWT Y3H
!TIX3 OT 3MIT (Kevin Dopart)

OK EVERYBODY--WHEN I
COUNT TO 3, SLAM ON
YOUR BRAKES. 1 . . . 2 . . . (Elizabeth Molyé, Vienna)

Week 673, a "bank" headline for a real headline in The Post:

Kaine Seeks $79.5 Million for Education

'I Have 3 Kids to Put Through College,' Governor Explains (Russell Beland)

Future Diplomats May Face Less Grueling Foreign Service Exam

'Name Three Bush Administration Successes' Removed From Test (Kevin
Dopart)

Man Carrying a Laptop Is Sought

Three Area Residents Found Not to Fit This Description (Kevin Dopart)

Week 674, limericks that include a word beginning with ca-:

In the Land of the Ever-Facetious,
A new fiat strikes many as specious,
As the Empress decrees,
"All your jokes must use threes."
So it goes on the Isle of Capricious. (Brendan Beary)

Week 683, string together words from "Hamlet":

Act 3, Scene 2: It offends me to hear the dumbshows and noise. Dull and
tedious Queen rock thy brain, groaning and worse, croaking. Drugs and
midnight weeds thrice blasted the ears. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New
Zealand)

Week 684, backwards words:

Dworc: A third wheel. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Week 687, what was said vs. what was thought:

Upon visiting your 3-year-old grandson: "What a big boy you are!"

(Do you think your parents might get you toilet-trained in time for your
wedding?) (Howard Walderman)

Week 688, six-word stories:

Wanted: baby shoes, set of three. (Jay Shuck)

One car, two teenagers, three trimesters. (Russell Beland)

Next Week: Everything Being Sequel, or Dis, Continued